I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. I have issues that need to be resolved and I don't know how I can do that. These demons that linger in the depths of my mind take hold and won't let me go. I enter the pits of despair and while there I seem to be kept bound for a time, during which all of who I am becomes a hollow empty shell.
These times come less and less, but the draw back is they last longer, and come stronger that the time before. Now is one of those times, a real one, and I feel like the world has grabbed me by the balls and tossed me out, cast me aside from where it is I need to be.
My pain comes out when I least expect it, no it comes when I can no longer bottle it up deep within my soul, when it over flows and spews from my every orifice. Tonight I am not letting myself think, I am not letting my mind go to those places that it tends to visit when I am in one of these moods, if I do it will surly find things that will force me to stay longer. I can only hope and prey that I can overcome and move on from these feelings.
What are these feelings you may ask, well they are the left over feelings of what I believe to be the cause of my depression, sexuality and destructive nature. I was one of over a million children affected, and millions more to come, that have their childhood and innocence stripped from them at a young age. These children, along with myself, are cursed to have these feelings and thoughts, though some tend to over come and escape while others are locked the rest of their lives.
I sit here now, asking myself a simple question that has yet to be answered, "which am I?" I truly don't know at this point, I won't let the person who did this to me win(though I don't know who it was) but how can I move on when I know this has happened? I cannot let this go now since I have barely come to know it happened, but I cannot let it stay with me.
As the tears pool in my eyes I am able to let out what has built up inside me for almost all of my life. I'm damaged goods, and I'm sure I have a wide array of psychological disorders that need some type of prescription to help control/cure, is that why I keep myself from success? Is that why I run when I feel like I'm getting close to happiness? These thoughts are mine, and they stream freely at the moment, a moment of weakness and self-hate.
I hide these aspects of myself because I do not want those who I am close with to pity or worry about me. Nor do I want them to question who I am or my sexuality, yet at the moment I seem to be doing all of the above. I have never known myself, and I feel people on the outside know me better than I do. I also feel that what happened to me changed my sexuality, or at least curved it, and now that I have discovered that part it is reverting back to what it once was. This frightens me because I do not want to deal with the whole coming out process, nor do I want people to believe that I lied or call me confused, when really I am.
This is me in my depression, affected by what has happened in my past, and haunted forever more. Shall I be free, Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
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