Stuff is Messed up....

I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. I have issues that need to be resolved and I don't know how I can do that. These demons that linger in the depths of my mind take hold and won't let me go. I enter the pits of despair and while there I seem to be kept bound for a time, during which all of who I am becomes a hollow empty shell.

These times come less and less, but the draw back is they last longer, and come stronger that the time before. Now is one of those times, a real one, and I feel like the world has grabbed me by the balls and tossed me out, cast me aside from where it is I need to be.

My pain comes out when I least expect it, no it comes when I can no longer bottle it up deep within my soul, when it over flows and spews from my every orifice. Tonight I am not letting myself think, I am not letting my mind go to those places that it tends to visit when I am in one of these moods, if I do it will surly find things that will force me to stay longer. I can only hope and prey that I can overcome and move on from these feelings.

What are these feelings you may ask, well they are the left over feelings of what I believe to be the cause of my depression, sexuality and destructive nature. I was one of over a million children affected, and millions more to come, that have their childhood and innocence stripped from them at a young age. These children, along with myself, are cursed to have these feelings and thoughts, though some tend to over come and escape while others are locked the rest of their lives.

I sit here now, asking myself a simple question that has yet to be answered, "which am I?" I truly don't know at this point, I won't let the person who did this to me win(though I don't know who it was) but how can I move on when I know this has happened? I cannot let this go now since I have barely come to know it happened, but I cannot let it stay with me.

As the tears pool in my eyes I am able to let out what has built up inside me for almost all of my life. I'm damaged goods, and I'm sure I have a wide array of psychological disorders that need some type of prescription to help control/cure, is that why I keep myself from success? Is that why I run when I feel like I'm getting close to happiness? These thoughts are mine, and they stream freely at the moment, a moment of weakness and self-hate.

I hide these aspects of myself because I do not want those who I am close with to pity or worry about me. Nor do I want them to question who I am or my sexuality, yet at the moment I seem to be doing all of the above. I have never known myself, and I feel people on the outside know me better than I do. I also feel that what happened to me changed my sexuality, or at least curved it, and now that I have discovered that part it is reverting back to what it once was. This frightens me because I do not want to deal with the whole coming out process, nor do I want people to believe that I lied or call me confused, when really I am.

This is me in my depression, affected by what has happened in my past, and haunted forever more. Shall I be free, Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Oh, it's that time again, where I feel like using me body as a means of escape from this pain I feel inside. How is it I always seem to do this to myself? I let myself get low enough to the point where I'm willing to give me body to any person willing to take me, and make me believe that they care, ha ha. How did I end up like this, how did I become this person so desperate for love, and tenderness that I would give out my body to those willing to take?

Things were so much simpler when I had Mitch, when it was just him that I lived for, even though he didn't live for me. I told myself he must love me, he must care if he was willing to take my body into his. I continued with him for four years until I broke, I told him I loved him and guess what, he didn't love me.

After this I went into a depression, and what came out of that? My discovery of craigslist, ah what a way to hand out my body as a way to escape my emotions. I allowed various men to come into my house, and use me as their little fuck toy, and sometimes I went with them. My body became a thing that was available to anyone who asked for it. I was able to meet two different guys who cared for me at some point. Brian, and Chris.

Brian lived close to me, but was 31 years old and in the closet. He cared about me, even going so far as to say he loved me, what did I do than? I ran away, I became depressed and moody towards him. I scared him and pissed him off, and guess what, he stopped caring about me.

Chris was a bit closer to my age, but he lived in Marina Del Rey. He was a bit less into me, but still cared somewhat. I let my emotion take hold and I gave myself to him, and guess what, he took it. We didn't see each other often, and this was problem. I fucked it up when he came to fuck me, and I told him I was gonna fuck someone else after him. Guess he didn't like that.

All this while sex wasn't enough to escape myself anymore, I began to use drugs as my next form of escape. First it was pot, that didn't do much but it still felt a bit better, that is until I met Ecstasy. That took me far and let me find some peace while I was "rolling," but after the depression hit harder than anything, and my body was the way I escaped.

I kept using until I decided I needed to stop for my health, it wasn't easy but I did it. I went off to New York to work at a summer camp, this I honestly believe saved my life. I was able to fell free from my addictions, and I my needs came second to the needs of my boys. Though I did use my body once in Canada, it was only because I hadn't cum in a while.

I got back and tried to continue my life of sobriety, and acceptance. That didn't last long. I fucked a few guys, and now here I am feeling shitty wanting to do it again, wanting to do the drugs, and hand out my body on a silver platter. Here I am in a pool of self pity, bitching about how I feel. Maybe I will someday find that one special guy who will take my body, not in lust, but in love, maybe someday I will find my Knight in shinning armor who will be all that I need to get high. Until than, my body is all I can use to be satisfied.

(UN)Happy Thoughts...

So here I am, right now thinking about last night. If you read the post on my other blog, you already know what happened, if not let me fill you in.

I hung out with this guy who I have been trying to get at for a while now, and I finally did it...yeah can you read my lack of enthusiasm? I don't like doing these things, I really don't, but I can't help it. There is something wrong with me, and I don't like that in order to feel good I need to act out in some way shape or form. After I do something like, lets say fucking, I always feel like shit and I know it's cos what I did was bad. I don't know why this is so, I mean why do I need to fuck to try and feel better? Why do I need to get satisfaction for something that needs satisfying? Sometimes I wounder why guys won't date me, and during those times all I need to do is think about all the shit that makes me a slut and than I know. I guess all of what I'm doing is repressing some deep dark emotions, and trying to ease the pain of being alone. That's the worst part, being alone. It's like you never have anyone to hold you when you need it, and having to deal with shit alone. Yeah I have friends, but I need a lover sometimes to just hold me and let me know everything is gonna be alright. I need a lover to tell me I don't need to fuck to feel loved. I need a lover to take my hand and never let it go. I pray that God will help me, and maybe one day he will answer.

(UN)Happy Thoughts...