So here I am, right now thinking about last night. If you read the post on my other blog, you already know what happened, if not let me fill you in.
I hung out with this guy who I have been trying to get at for a while now, and I finally did it...yeah can you read my lack of enthusiasm? I don't like doing these things, I really don't, but I can't help it. There is something wrong with me, and I don't like that in order to feel good I need to act out in some way shape or form.
After I do something like, lets say fucking, I always feel like shit and I know it's cos what I did was bad. I don't know why this is so, I mean why do I need to fuck to try and feel better? Why do I need to get satisfaction for something that needs satisfying? Sometimes I wounder why guys won't date me, and during those times all I need to do is think about all the shit that makes me a slut and than I know. I guess all of what I'm doing is repressing some deep dark emotions, and trying to ease the pain of being alone. That's the worst part, being alone. It's like you never have anyone to hold you when you need it, and having to deal with shit alone. Yeah I have friends, but I need a lover sometimes to just hold me and let me know everything is gonna be alright. I need a lover to tell me I don't need to fuck to feel loved. I need a lover to take my hand and never let it go. I pray that God will help me, and maybe one day he will answer.
(UN)Happy Thoughts...
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